the first attempt

I don’t know where to start or how to start.
This is my first attempt at blogging. I feel like I need to throw this out there and see if anyone reads it... and if anyone feels the same way. I need to feel like there are other people feeling this... what is it, I am not sure... am I ready to have answers? Yes.

This is what I know: Im changed. Im different. My heart is different. But I cant seem to be different consistently.
I don’t know how. And I know that I cant do anything without Christ, and I don’t want to.. but I need more. I need to be different, I need to feel like im better and more consistent. But somehow I end up the same situations… saying the same things and making people feel the same way. And I don’t think I m the only one to blame. But I so tired of saying its me. Im so tired of feeling like im the dramatic one. I just want someone to give me a break as I try to figure this out.
My life hasn’t been normal lately. Theres been so much growth and change in my heart. I know this is a new normal…but when does it become normal. When do people see a change in me? When is the new normal no longer new? Its just normal. That’s where I want to be. I don’t want to be in this place of struggle to see where the new blake fits in. and maybe that’s how Im feeling… like im not fitting in. like im just me, new me, doing my own thing.

In the past month I have realized how much sin and lies have been fact in my life. I have dismissed them and allowed them to be a part of my life. And im done.
I don’t want them in my life anymore. I feel like ive realized that. And I feel like there has been change and freedom brought in. but if that’s the case, why am I not more consistent? Why am I feeling so unsettled and isolated. I don’t know if its God calling me here so I am closer to Him and focused on Him. No I know its not. Cause God brings peace. And there is not peace here. So I know its satan. But I thought I was making ground. I thought I was getting stronger against his attacks… but im not. How do I get there?
Why is there so much torment right now, after so much growth? Why am I being sifted so much right now? Why does it hurt so much? Why do I feel like im the only one in pain and being sifted.
I know satan is keeping me isolated. In this place of aloneness… so I stay here… so I have no impact. So I stay the same person. So I don’t allow the growth God has brought me to have a daily impact. So where do I go from here. How do I get to that place from growth to pain to consistency… I don’t know how I got to the growth, let alone the pain… so I have clue how to get to the consistency.
I feel so connected, so ready and waiting for the next step. But so lost all at the same time. I don’t know how to do that.
I want my relationship to be deep, not wide. I picture it like a oil field when they are looking for the place to drill, its usually barren… like they have mined something…. Then there is the drill, specific. No my wide relationship with God in the past hasn’t been barren, but I don’t know what else do to to focus my relationship. To line up my life with the specific place God is ready to work and is waiting on me. I want to be deep. I want to be so entrenched in Gods love and blessings that you cant see me.
And I guess I do know there is nothing I can do to create it. To get there… but at the same time, tell me what I need to do to get there? Ill do it. I want it. I want it so bad I can taste it. And I don’t want to wait for it. I want to be entrenched with God right now. I want to be encased and surrounded and protected and in the middle of His will. But im so lost on how to get there.
Just reading His words in the morning, works… but then it seems so easy to step away from that. So easy to fall from being joyful and surrounded to weary and run down and frustrated.
I hate that I have heard God talk so much lately… and yet I am still frustrated. My heart still hurts. Normal conversations still end up with me being the dramatic one. I still end up back in that old place that I really don’t want to be. I want to be different and I want people to see that in me.
People suggest I write everything I am learning down. and thats my plan... but today, there are many questions. and i feel like i need to get the questions out before I write everything else down. Cause I am sure it all fits together... and soon I will have that moment with God when it comes together and the questions dont matter. but today, they matter.