yeah, I think I got it...

Do you ever have those moments when the same topic keeps popping up?
The 2nd time you think its probably a fluke... the third time you are realizing you are missing something you should be getting, probably. The 4th time, its kinda obvious what God is teaching you and what you should be focused on.

This is where I am.

Forgiveness. One word. Didn't seem all that scary to me. Until I got my feelings hurt... again.
And I was ready to throw down. They had hurt me. Yes, I was aware it wasn't on purpose. But all the same, i felt it. and I felt like they needed to know. I spent most of the day Saturday angry. Angry that I was hurt again, angry that it was the same person, again. Angry that i was going to have to say something again. I was miserable. (They, I know, had no clue. Why am i miserable when THEY hurt my feelings??? these are my thoughts.)
so I drove to a craft fair to see a friend of mine, side note-- www.prayerware.net if you want some awesome shirts.

So im driving to the craft fair, and im praying about how to confront this person, i didnt want to fight, just say something. And God said, "turn the other cheek." my immediate response? "WHAT? you want me to do what??? Nope, not happening, Im hurt..." Turn the other cheek, right...

I feel like we dont really talk about forgiving others... we know we are forgiven by God, but does anyone really know how to forgive? We are aware about forgivness of BIG sins... but what about the small, day to day, 'infractions' that are eating us alive?
So this is honestly the first time God is dealing with forgivness in my heart... of course, i start crying, cause I'm realizing what He is saying... and then im angry... cause i realize Ill end up doing it anyways.. and Im mad... mad that I dont get a chance to release my frustration. mad, that i have to be the bigger person!

So skipping ahead, at church that night, the sermon was about, Forgiving Others. ok, interesting, God. Then at Life Group last night, yep, we talked about forgiveness... then this morning, i picked up a book that ive been casually reading. And casually means Ive probably been reading this book for a year... I just pick it up now and then... and guess what the heading was that i stopped that last time... FORGIVING OTHERS... i seriously laughed out loud.

Ok, evidently, i need to do some work in my heart with forgiveness.

So this is where i am, and what i have learned in the last 3 days... And i struggle with sharing this, because my thoughts are that these are very simple truths and that i am 'behind the curve' in taking these truths to my heart. But Im gonna write these out cause it helps me to see the words...
Forgiveness is sooo not about them... its soo about me, about my heart. I know i have withheld forgiveness before because i would have to admit that ive been hurt, and i hate being dramatic (which is funny, cause lets face it, i am) but i hate having to have that conversation where i have to tell you that you hurt me... and i know i have withheld forgiveness because of my own pride. I dont want to talk about the issue anymore. I want to be mad at you. I want to take the easy road out and just be moody. and i know i thought that forgiving someone was giving them a break. its not about giving them a break, you are in sense, but I feel like i have withheld forgiveness before because i dont want you to hurt me again, so if i hold on to this, then i wont get hurt next time you do it... ill be expecting it. (expectations, is also a whole other blog, so get ready)
I have to forgive the people in my life who have said things in passing, but i personalized them and allowed them to define me... when God didn't create me to live that way.

Forgiveness, to me, is acknowledging the other person's faults... but realizing that you dont know how they struggle or hurt. And giving that person a way out. Dragging my hurt feelings though the mud, doenst do anything except make us both dirty.
And I dont want to be in the mud anymore. And i dont want to be the one forcing you into the mud. Forgiving you, means my heart is clean... God can deal with you. Its not my job! :) That sounds mean, but realizing that forgivness is MY choice, has changed my heart.

I feel like I could type all day about this... I cant keep up with the truth that He has been revealing... and the bondage that is being set free in my heart. I am seeing His hand in my life. In the teeny things that no one else would notice, like, in the midst of a fit in my jeep, the next song on the radio is a song that HE knows i cant help but worship, someone reaching out their hand during a prayer, and invitation to a movie, when i was down about sitting at home... everything in my life seems to be at the work of Him. (DUH) Im so grateful. Learning the forgivness, not so much fun, but seeing His hand in the seconds of my life, makes me so grateful.