Today, just today...

I've had a pretty hard few weeks. Feeling like God wasnt speaking and had forgotten about me. But I feel like I'm coming out of the fog into the good now...

Just bored... ready for something new, needing anything new except the same old every day life i was living.

as busy as i am, i stinking get bored... and its all relative... and it smacks me so hard and i never see it coming, then im just aggravated and discontent with life and i make myself just miserable.

I fell back into old sin patterns and each day i would say, "ok, im done." I would repent, and promise myself and God that it was going to be different. and 12 hours later im doing the exact same thing.

thankfully, i didnt really beat myself up, i was just so mad at myself for not listening and falling again. i would scream and cry and be so mad that i couldnt figure out what i was missing to finally be free...

i hate the sin in me. HATE it! i ended up in tears on my knees in the shower yesterday. praying that i really wanted to be different. i really wanted freedom but i didnt know what to do to get it.

Did you ever watch theTV show Joan of Arcadia when it was on? It was about a girl who God appeared to in the form of different peeps. anyways, i watched a marathon of them this weekend and long story, sorta short... she ends up getting sick, and satan starts to speak too, and she gets confused and cant figure out who she is listening to and how ID Gods voice. and He tells her that she needs to figure out how to have faith in the silence. **ouch** so then she ends up going to a crazy camp. she doesnt really think she is crazy, but everyone else does, so when she comes back, she pretends to NOT listen to God cause she wants to be 'normal.' so she ends up telling God shes really mad at Him and He hurt her and He asks her if she misses Him? (i cried) and she said no... (but it wasnt a real no) and he said, "well I've missed you." (ok, cried harder) Basically he tells her that all he is asking of her (and im using the low caps he since im talking about a TV character) is to connect. that's all he needs from her is to attempt to connect. and it really touched me.

I've realized that I've run ahead of God for a long time. trying to figure out what i need to learn before i get a reward... "maybe i needed this final key, before it all fits together." and this is where i am now... i am trying to figure out how to live for TODAY with Him. Not trying to figure out where He needs me next, or what He wants my next step to be. Im trying to figure out how to live day by day.

just today. and tomorrow ill deal with tomorrow, with Him.

I found these notes from a class on purity that i took and it said the fight for the pure life is to fight today... with today's strength today.
im trying to take every thought captive. i want to enjoy today. I know when God plops my husband in my life, ill miss these days. and i know ill be aggravated that i have spent as much time as i have living for the future. I dont want to figure out how to live today so that i get the reward, i want to figure out how to live for today because thats where my God is... and thats where He wants me to be.

overwhelmed.... by His goodess.

I am so in awe of God right now.
He is working so much... in everyone I know.

I am so thankful. I can feel God more every second than I ever have...He is talking to me constantly and my heart and life are changing minute by minute.

I spent last night talking to an amazing friend. She has heard from God recently regarding the same subject I heard God on... and we talked about how to know you heard the Truth... my struggles are still how to live in a place where I KNOW I heard God's Truth, but how do i live in a way that I am ready for things to happen, but I still stay out of God's way and path as He brings it to happen. :)
Thats my key, I need to stay out of God's way.
I read though some of the blogs that I follow and one of them asked for an urgent prayer request for a baby that was born and in serious serious condition. I prayed and flipped over to the link of the other blog to see an update on the new baby and shes doing good... the serious surgery is on hold because she may not need it. By the time i was done praying, i already knew she was ok...
Granted, I came in on the prayer a day late....
A baby that i have been praying for for a month now who was very serious when she was born went home this week... a friend looking for friendships had a girl walk up to her and ask to make plans... a move in another friend's life is going so smoothly, all the stress about her roomates is gone...
Its just so amazing to me that there are still people who are unbelievers in general and believers who do not call on the power and miracles of God to work in their lives... He is working so much... and He is answering prayers of people. I cant even keep up with Him at this point. There is no question that we have a mighty, powerful, merciful, LOVING God, who wants the best for us... and is willing to give HIS best to us... wow!
I just dont have any words at this point. :)
So now, I wait. I wait for His next word... I wait for His next direction. I wait for Him...
Thank you Jesus, for standing with me as I wait.

yeah, I think I got it...

Do you ever have those moments when the same topic keeps popping up?
The 2nd time you think its probably a fluke... the third time you are realizing you are missing something you should be getting, probably. The 4th time, its kinda obvious what God is teaching you and what you should be focused on.

This is where I am.

Forgiveness. One word. Didn't seem all that scary to me. Until I got my feelings hurt... again.
And I was ready to throw down. They had hurt me. Yes, I was aware it wasn't on purpose. But all the same, i felt it. and I felt like they needed to know. I spent most of the day Saturday angry. Angry that I was hurt again, angry that it was the same person, again. Angry that i was going to have to say something again. I was miserable. (They, I know, had no clue. Why am i miserable when THEY hurt my feelings??? these are my thoughts.)
so I drove to a craft fair to see a friend of mine, side note-- www.prayerware.net if you want some awesome shirts.

So im driving to the craft fair, and im praying about how to confront this person, i didnt want to fight, just say something. And God said, "turn the other cheek." my immediate response? "WHAT? you want me to do what??? Nope, not happening, Im hurt..." Turn the other cheek, right...

I feel like we dont really talk about forgiving others... we know we are forgiven by God, but does anyone really know how to forgive? We are aware about forgivness of BIG sins... but what about the small, day to day, 'infractions' that are eating us alive?
So this is honestly the first time God is dealing with forgivness in my heart... of course, i start crying, cause I'm realizing what He is saying... and then im angry... cause i realize Ill end up doing it anyways.. and Im mad... mad that I dont get a chance to release my frustration. mad, that i have to be the bigger person!

So skipping ahead, at church that night, the sermon was about, Forgiving Others. ok, interesting, God. Then at Life Group last night, yep, we talked about forgiveness... then this morning, i picked up a book that ive been casually reading. And casually means Ive probably been reading this book for a year... I just pick it up now and then... and guess what the heading was that i stopped that last time... FORGIVING OTHERS... i seriously laughed out loud.

Ok, evidently, i need to do some work in my heart with forgiveness.

So this is where i am, and what i have learned in the last 3 days... And i struggle with sharing this, because my thoughts are that these are very simple truths and that i am 'behind the curve' in taking these truths to my heart. But Im gonna write these out cause it helps me to see the words...
Forgiveness is sooo not about them... its soo about me, about my heart. I know i have withheld forgiveness before because i would have to admit that ive been hurt, and i hate being dramatic (which is funny, cause lets face it, i am) but i hate having to have that conversation where i have to tell you that you hurt me... and i know i have withheld forgiveness because of my own pride. I dont want to talk about the issue anymore. I want to be mad at you. I want to take the easy road out and just be moody. and i know i thought that forgiving someone was giving them a break. its not about giving them a break, you are in sense, but I feel like i have withheld forgiveness before because i dont want you to hurt me again, so if i hold on to this, then i wont get hurt next time you do it... ill be expecting it. (expectations, is also a whole other blog, so get ready)
I have to forgive the people in my life who have said things in passing, but i personalized them and allowed them to define me... when God didn't create me to live that way.

Forgiveness, to me, is acknowledging the other person's faults... but realizing that you dont know how they struggle or hurt. And giving that person a way out. Dragging my hurt feelings though the mud, doenst do anything except make us both dirty.
And I dont want to be in the mud anymore. And i dont want to be the one forcing you into the mud. Forgiving you, means my heart is clean... God can deal with you. Its not my job! :) That sounds mean, but realizing that forgivness is MY choice, has changed my heart.

I feel like I could type all day about this... I cant keep up with the truth that He has been revealing... and the bondage that is being set free in my heart. I am seeing His hand in my life. In the teeny things that no one else would notice, like, in the midst of a fit in my jeep, the next song on the radio is a song that HE knows i cant help but worship, someone reaching out their hand during a prayer, and invitation to a movie, when i was down about sitting at home... everything in my life seems to be at the work of Him. (DUH) Im so grateful. Learning the forgivness, not so much fun, but seeing His hand in the seconds of my life, makes me so grateful.

the first attempt

I don’t know where to start or how to start.
This is my first attempt at blogging. I feel like I need to throw this out there and see if anyone reads it... and if anyone feels the same way. I need to feel like there are other people feeling this... what is it, I am not sure... am I ready to have answers? Yes.

This is what I know: Im changed. Im different. My heart is different. But I cant seem to be different consistently.
I don’t know how. And I know that I cant do anything without Christ, and I don’t want to.. but I need more. I need to be different, I need to feel like im better and more consistent. But somehow I end up the same situations… saying the same things and making people feel the same way. And I don’t think I m the only one to blame. But I so tired of saying its me. Im so tired of feeling like im the dramatic one. I just want someone to give me a break as I try to figure this out.
My life hasn’t been normal lately. Theres been so much growth and change in my heart. I know this is a new normal…but when does it become normal. When do people see a change in me? When is the new normal no longer new? Its just normal. That’s where I want to be. I don’t want to be in this place of struggle to see where the new blake fits in. and maybe that’s how Im feeling… like im not fitting in. like im just me, new me, doing my own thing.

In the past month I have realized how much sin and lies have been fact in my life. I have dismissed them and allowed them to be a part of my life. And im done.
I don’t want them in my life anymore. I feel like ive realized that. And I feel like there has been change and freedom brought in. but if that’s the case, why am I not more consistent? Why am I feeling so unsettled and isolated. I don’t know if its God calling me here so I am closer to Him and focused on Him. No I know its not. Cause God brings peace. And there is not peace here. So I know its satan. But I thought I was making ground. I thought I was getting stronger against his attacks… but im not. How do I get there?
Why is there so much torment right now, after so much growth? Why am I being sifted so much right now? Why does it hurt so much? Why do I feel like im the only one in pain and being sifted.
I know satan is keeping me isolated. In this place of aloneness… so I stay here… so I have no impact. So I stay the same person. So I don’t allow the growth God has brought me to have a daily impact. So where do I go from here. How do I get to that place from growth to pain to consistency… I don’t know how I got to the growth, let alone the pain… so I have clue how to get to the consistency.
I feel so connected, so ready and waiting for the next step. But so lost all at the same time. I don’t know how to do that.
I want my relationship to be deep, not wide. I picture it like a oil field when they are looking for the place to drill, its usually barren… like they have mined something…. Then there is the drill, specific. No my wide relationship with God in the past hasn’t been barren, but I don’t know what else do to to focus my relationship. To line up my life with the specific place God is ready to work and is waiting on me. I want to be deep. I want to be so entrenched in Gods love and blessings that you cant see me.
And I guess I do know there is nothing I can do to create it. To get there… but at the same time, tell me what I need to do to get there? Ill do it. I want it. I want it so bad I can taste it. And I don’t want to wait for it. I want to be entrenched with God right now. I want to be encased and surrounded and protected and in the middle of His will. But im so lost on how to get there.
Just reading His words in the morning, works… but then it seems so easy to step away from that. So easy to fall from being joyful and surrounded to weary and run down and frustrated.
I hate that I have heard God talk so much lately… and yet I am still frustrated. My heart still hurts. Normal conversations still end up with me being the dramatic one. I still end up back in that old place that I really don’t want to be. I want to be different and I want people to see that in me.
People suggest I write everything I am learning down. and thats my plan... but today, there are many questions. and i feel like i need to get the questions out before I write everything else down. Cause I am sure it all fits together... and soon I will have that moment with God when it comes together and the questions dont matter. but today, they matter.