Today, just today...

I've had a pretty hard few weeks. Feeling like God wasnt speaking and had forgotten about me. But I feel like I'm coming out of the fog into the good now...

Just bored... ready for something new, needing anything new except the same old every day life i was living.

as busy as i am, i stinking get bored... and its all relative... and it smacks me so hard and i never see it coming, then im just aggravated and discontent with life and i make myself just miserable.

I fell back into old sin patterns and each day i would say, "ok, im done." I would repent, and promise myself and God that it was going to be different. and 12 hours later im doing the exact same thing.

thankfully, i didnt really beat myself up, i was just so mad at myself for not listening and falling again. i would scream and cry and be so mad that i couldnt figure out what i was missing to finally be free...

i hate the sin in me. HATE it! i ended up in tears on my knees in the shower yesterday. praying that i really wanted to be different. i really wanted freedom but i didnt know what to do to get it.

Did you ever watch theTV show Joan of Arcadia when it was on? It was about a girl who God appeared to in the form of different peeps. anyways, i watched a marathon of them this weekend and long story, sorta short... she ends up getting sick, and satan starts to speak too, and she gets confused and cant figure out who she is listening to and how ID Gods voice. and He tells her that she needs to figure out how to have faith in the silence. **ouch** so then she ends up going to a crazy camp. she doesnt really think she is crazy, but everyone else does, so when she comes back, she pretends to NOT listen to God cause she wants to be 'normal.' so she ends up telling God shes really mad at Him and He hurt her and He asks her if she misses Him? (i cried) and she said no... (but it wasnt a real no) and he said, "well I've missed you." (ok, cried harder) Basically he tells her that all he is asking of her (and im using the low caps he since im talking about a TV character) is to connect. that's all he needs from her is to attempt to connect. and it really touched me.

I've realized that I've run ahead of God for a long time. trying to figure out what i need to learn before i get a reward... "maybe i needed this final key, before it all fits together." and this is where i am now... i am trying to figure out how to live for TODAY with Him. Not trying to figure out where He needs me next, or what He wants my next step to be. Im trying to figure out how to live day by day.

just today. and tomorrow ill deal with tomorrow, with Him.

I found these notes from a class on purity that i took and it said the fight for the pure life is to fight today... with today's strength today.
im trying to take every thought captive. i want to enjoy today. I know when God plops my husband in my life, ill miss these days. and i know ill be aggravated that i have spent as much time as i have living for the future. I dont want to figure out how to live today so that i get the reward, i want to figure out how to live for today because thats where my God is... and thats where He wants me to be.